Going Afraid

So this weekend I attended a wonderful, well amazing women's  conference called the "Belong Tour" (what was formally Women of Faith).  I was able to spend it with a bunch of amazing women from Friday through Saturday night.  My friend Karen introduced me to two lovely ladies that I am so blessed to have met and know that they are also my "Sisters in Christ" and well the fact that our outstanding personalities all meshed really well together was awesome too.  

Over the course of the conference were what our team organizer called  "nuggets" that I or we would tend to pick up from the conference.  These "nuggets" per say were the GOLD or the DIAMONDS as I like to think of  that spark my interest, that pull me in, or make me say WHOOOO...

One of the nuggets that I really pulled from the conference that I remember the four of us ladies were talking about was the one phrase that a speaker said... it basically was to "GO AFRAID".  WOW! I felt her speaking RIGHT TO ME!!!! This was crazy to me... Because the whole week before I had this struggle... which I will explain later...

So basically she wasn't saying you need to be afraid the whole time when you go out to do something.  What I took from it was, she was saying if God leads you to do something and you are scared to take that step, DO IT  ANYWAY!  If God wants us to do this he will help us through it.   If we are scared of the pain it may cause or make you feel, of rejection, of being ridiculed whatever and do nothing & we just sit in our homes how are we going to honor Christ? How are we going to make ourselves stronger? 

She basically said that if we stop being scared of pain we will find our purpose. How crazy is that!?!? So if we stop being scared of pain,  heartache, and rejection and then take that leap of faith & just do it, God will show us our purpose; wow.. 

So anyway, here I go again!!! This whole blog thing was a step of faith for me... Hence the name of the blog! TOTALLY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.  I am not comfortable talking about me!   I felt pulled to do this a year ago and like I said before kept putting it off, thinking  that this crazy idea would go away.

One day I was talking about it to a wonderful woman, Elaine;  I just love her.  I was telling her how I would love to help others and was thinking about writing blog. As we talked, I told her I was struggling because I don't particularly like talking about me and obviously writing a blog I would have to & that is pretty uncomfortable; then the fact was I just didn't really know where to begin.  I also was throwing around the idea about maybe writing an article for the newspaper on ovarian cancer awareness as well as just thanking the community.  She loved all these ideas.  

The next thing she says to me was, "Jackie, I really think you should speak at the Relay for Life. You would be great." "I didn't realize she had any say in who speaks at the Relay, Oh, my... now what have I gotten myself into?"  These were some of the thoughts going through my mind as well as "How am I going to get myself out of this mess,  I am totally not worthy to speak to all these people, there are so many other people that would be better than me, I am not a public speaker...."  So I politely declined.  She looked at me and put her hands on my hands and said something like, "Please don't say no yet, think about it and pray about it, and give me an answer in a couple weeks."

After she left I walked back to my computer and checked my e-mail.  There was one from our pastor, I started reading it, and stopped.  Oh, my! I think this was me being hit in the head with a brick by God!  In it our pastor was asking me to speak in front of our entire church body at a brunch giving my testimony on how God has worked in our lives especially over the difficult times. Guess what time it was sent to me????   Yup, you probably guessed it... The same time I was being asked to speak at the relay. 

Did I call and say yes to both?  No,  I talked to Jason about it.  I prayed about it.  I ran at the park and for days stewed over it.  Then the song "I am not Alone" kept playing and the words "you will go before me" kept playing and I kept feeling this burden that I needed to do this! At the park I said, "OK GOD! I will e-mail our pastor and tell him I will do it, and if it goes well then I will say yes to the relay."  (Basically making a deal with God...)  After I agreed to speak, I felt this burden lifted from my shoulders;it was so crazy!

Well I was SCARED!  I was so nervous that Sunday and EVERYONE was there. (You have to understand  our church is probably one of the larger ones in the county and we have two services and both services were at this brunch meaning hundreds of people) I prayed that I wouldn't fall! (Because if you know me I am a huge klutz!)  After I didn't fall,  I trembled as I introduced myself to everyone.. "Hello my name is Jackie and I am 30 years old until I tell you otherwise", God allowed me to use my dry sense of humor to get everyone laughing (I am obviously not 30) and calm me down.  Once that happened I don't remember anything else; It wasn't me talking, God was speaking through me!  Everything just flowed out of my mouth.  

Remember that deal I basically made with God?  I shouldn't have made a deal with God.   I picture him laughing at me because he knew that I was going to be speaking at that Relay!  He knows that ultimately in my heart I want to help others & make a difference even if it is just one person.  I spoke at the Relay for Life; it was a wonderful experience, the set up was beautiful, the community support amazing, the love and just I can't even explain what I felt that night it was an experience I will never forget.  

I was so scared before that speech!  But my biggest prayer was that I could reach one person that needed to see a doctor; it didn't have to be about ovarian cancer, it could be for depression, heart issues, diabetes, or whatever.  I was not expecting to hear from anyone but God answered that prayer and he even showed me that he answered it!  I had a woman message me that night saying she had the symptoms I spoke of and she was calling her doctor, then another woman contacted me, and I had someone say, "I haven't been to my gynecologist in years I am calling because of you this week."  Tears started flowing after each person contacted me and thinking about it they still flow!

So I have been taking those steps of faith and stepping WAYYYYY out of my comfort zone.  I was afraid to do something... and kinda like those old Nike commercials the line "JUST DO IT", I felt and still feel  God was and is telling me "Jackie, Just Do It! Trust me!".    Granted I did it, and I was trusting God and I am amazed at the outcomes so far.    

September 6th, I had a phone call from my oncologists office.  It was the day before my appointment.  I was thinking, "they must be calling to reschedule".  The girl on the phone said to me something like, "I have a strange request, someone here at Pinnacle saw your blog and knew you were a patient here and wanted to see if you would be interested in doing an interview; I can't release any info without your permission, would you be interested?  If you want I can have them call you and they can fill you in and then you can make the decision."  I was on put the spot, and trying to think of what to even say.  I knew that I had come this far, so might as well find out what it is about, so I said "OK!".... 

Within Two minutes I had a phone call.  I was told about this video interview.  I was totally nervous!  I was thinking, "I am not sure that it was my thing!"  Another example of something WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!   As I was being told about the interview I was also  told that if I was going to do it they were conducting the interview tomorrow morning.   This was to spread awareness for Ovarian Cancer and they wanted to do it right away since it is September and Ovarian Cancer Awareness month as well as show off some of Pinnacle Health's services.  "AHHHHH  Tomorrow MORNING!!!!  Oh my!!!! OK God what do you want me to do????"  All these thoughts going through my head.  Then the thought went through my head.  "You have come this far, it isn't about you, it is about those you can possibly help."  That is when I said yes.  https://youtu.be/YlR1klFY4LU

So as the speakers this weekend talked about; sometimes we can't just take the "easy button" in life, sometimes we have to run in scared! 

This morning we went to church our pastor summed up the weekend's conference perfectly with his message; I love when this happens.

Basically don't let the fear control you. Let God take control of your fear so he can allow him to lead and direct your life.  

https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k

My friends Heidi and Karen both said to me  (I never thought of it until they brought it up) something like, "God had a reason for you to create and post your first blog post around the anniversary of  you surgery.  September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month and he showed it to a person who was moved by your story enough that they wanted to interview you and share your story."  

All I can say is---- WOW!

I don't know what God has in-store for me next, but I know I have to remain open-minded and ready to receive.


What About you?  What are you going to do,  Take the "easy button" or trust God and go for it, even if afraid?

A Little Bit of Stubborn Spunk with Those Fries...

From the time I was a young child I always had to be on the move.  Growing up we didn't have a television in our house until I was in fifth grade.  That television was not hooked up to anything but an antenna for local channels to watch the news and to a VCR to watch movies.  This gave me a chance to ride bike or run up and down our street, swing for hours, lay under the clouds using my imagination to see what images the clouds would form, jump rope, play basket ball, basically to just be a kid.  This is so unlike many kids today, stuck in the "electronic world".  

I was a "perfect" child who never got into trouble; you can ask my parents. Ha Ha.  Okay, I had my moments.   IF my brother and I (he is about seven years older than I) got ourselves into trouble and were disciplined for it, mine was different than his.  He got paddled (which was rare because he really was a good kid) and I was stood in the corner.  Not because my parents loved me more... It was because it worked best for us.  He could have sat or stood in a corner for hours but the paddle was more effective.  I begged my mom to paddle my butt so that the punishment would have been DONE & OVER, standing in the corner was TORCHER & BORING; but nope she knew this was the most effective method for me.  

When I step in the house where my grandparents lived, the memories flow back.  We joke about my permanent nose mark in the corner by the basement door.  And I laugh because I can still see my brother running circles around the kitchen and living room to get away from my mom and the paddle.  

I am one that has a hard time sitting still, I almost get anxious if I am cooped up for too long.  So when I was stuck in my house last year after surgery, I felt like I was under "house arrest".  My mother was  stuck to me like glue (granted she was wonderful) but I couldn't even lift a finger without getting in trouble.  When I finally got the "go ahead" to start working out and going to work I felt like I "BROKE FREE"!  It felt wonderful and I definitely tested my limits and probably did way too much (which everyone was worried about).  When I did too much,  ohhh I felt it!   

I had many people keeping me "straight" from my wonderful hubby, to my kids, to my momma (who spent pretty much every day at the house), to my dad, and in-laws, as well as my best friends, and then there was Bobbi Jo...  Love her...  

Bobbi Jo definitely tried to keep me straight and well still does.  There were times that she would check in on me everyday and sometimes a few times a day to see how I was feeling.  Like my mother, she could somehow miraculously tell if I had "overdone it"!  There would be days that she knew I was doing too much, so she would say something like "I sure hope you are resting sweetie..."  and her heart is just so full of love and concern.  So in order to assure her I was fine and resting, I would send her a picture of me "resting".  (Like this one.)  

When I was told by my doctor that I could "start to work back to running" meaning WALK,  Jason & my mom were not the only ones who worried about that; Bobbi Jo was I think just as worried if not more concerned! Everyone knew that once I was cut loose and I wasn't going to look back.  

At one point, Bobbi Jo threatened to come to my house and take all my sneakers away because she felt I was over doing it.  So I told her she would have to find them all or I could just go in my bare feet.  And we would both just laugh.  But she definitely helped keep me somewhat grounded and still does! 

Lately....

As of now you all know I love to run.  Running is my outlet.  

I get my hubby out with me and he loves it just as much as I do.  Okay, now I am lying!  He loathes it! But he does it because he LOVES ME!  and look he has a smile on his face.  And I am a nice wifey and maybe I occasionally bribe him  with a nice Bunny Burger and Fries (maybe this actually happened twice) with extra Bunny Dust from the Red Rabbit (a local drive-in traditional food restaurant).  (Kinda like those pictures you see on social media with the women running because there is a bottle of wine dangling in front of them, haha...)

Snow, sleet, rain, sweltering heat, it doesn't matter I love to run in it all.  Well I have always suffered with migraines.  These migraines can be so severe that I feel I can barely function, I sometimes lose my vision or get tunnel vision, I get nauseous, feel so weak, my head feels like it is going to pop off my body, my brain is in a complete fog, and I just want to sleep for years (and I get so may other symptoms).    I have over the years learned to just DEAL.  SMILE. Act as though everything is fine.  (During my the whole ordeal last year even my doctor and nurses had no idea I was in a full migraine attack.  Like I said I can hide it well.  When you have a family and business to run there is no time to be sick.  (I have to say after my momma came to one of my appointments the doctor was clued in on what my mother calls my "tells" of when I am sick (and I could/can no longer get away with it).)  

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Lately, I pretty much have a migraine every day. The severity is different.  My meds are adjusted so if my vision goes it tends to only be for moments not for hours for the day. But I still run; if  I didn't I wouldn't ever be able to run.  There are times in the straight areas when no one is around I have to close my eyes so I don't toss my cookies.  As my feet hit the ground the pounding in the head can be so much more intense but it is what it is... Once I am done, I tend to feel a tad better.

But right now I am really bummed because I am on day FOUR, yes FOUR of not running because of this!

Ugh...  I am NOW WHINING!!!!!

Normally, nothing can stop me even the darn migraines,  I will find a way.  WELL THIS DID!

Well originally when I did this, a week ago,  I was hit on the inside of the ankle by a flying field hockey ball and the ankle looked like this.  I babied the ankle all night, icing it on and off  into the next morning;the swelling went down!  It was stiff but I ran five miles on it the next evening (although it was sore at first, then turning into pain three quarters of the way through my run) &  it swelled up again, so I iced it. Again, the swelling receded and the pain decreased; I ran on it the following day.  Each day after seemed better and better.  It was as good as new, until I started playing field hockey against my whole youth team (almost a week later).  I would say I aggravated it a tad during that little scrimmage.  

Even as I am typing this blog, I am trying to think up ways of how I can go for a run with this bummed ankle. Like maybe if I wrap the ankle tighter and make it a shorter run because the swelling is down.  What if I just use Mr. Elliptical today that shouldn't jar anything, right?  Or maybe I will just ride my bike.....  I am such a genius, soooo smart right?  Well I have never said that I was smart!  

I guess I will Slow Down, TODAY.

Last year before I got sick, I remember we were so busy going from point A-Z that we didn't have time to stop and even breathe.  I remember saying to my friends "I just wish I had a day to stay home." (Wish granted. I had many days at home.)  Sometimes, I feel that we just need to slow down our busy lives and stop and smell the roses.  This just maybe my time to stop and smell those roses.  So I will stop being stubborn and rest this ankle as to not make it worse;  I don't want to be out of commission any longer than need be.  Maybe swimming will be the workout of choice today.

And when things don't go my way, I need to stop having a pity-party and be thankful for all that I have!  God has blessed me with my life & health, my family, and friends.  

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV) Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Inspirational Playlist

These are just some of the songs that are on my playlist.  They have been such a blessing to me through the good and the bad times.  Hope they can be a blessing to you!

One of my favorite hymns.  If you read one of my posts you will understand more of the significance it has in my journey...

"It is Well With My Soul" .    (Here are a few versions)
https://youtu.be/rQDvTqV5Dq0

https://youtu.be/2f51RxuScoA

https://youtu.be/o7WDJCLlrko

A song that is so special to me "Through All Of It" by Colton Dixon was shared by a friend of mine when he found out I was sick.  He was such a fighter and definitely and inspiration! He is now cancer free and free of pain walking the streets of gold with or Lord.   The words to this song are so moving and every time I hear this song I think of him; I am SO blessed to have known him!   Love you Josh!
https://youtu.be/91KliTa1ksY 

"Need You Now" Plumb https://youtu.be/9ylnx0NA9X4

"Eye Of The Storm"  Ryan Stevenson https://youtu.be/cp92va3OB6Q

"Trust in You" Lauren Daigle https://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs 

"O'Lord" Lauren Daigle https://youtu.be/fxr5pckM8i4

"Healer" Kari Jobi  https://youtu.be/j2W88vWt30A

"I Am Not Alone" Kari Jobi https://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA

"Legacy" Nichole Nordeman 

"The Unmaking" Nichole Nordeman 

"Every Season"  Nichole Nordeman

"In Christ Alone" Mercy Me https://youtu.be/c2fZZLwRcBI

"Come As You Are" Crowder https://youtu.be/r2zhf2mqEMI

"I Am" Crowder https://youtu.be/cH_LLGiE0f0

"Lift Your Head Weary Sinner" Crowder https://youtu.be/xPpEOUVpxrM  

"I Need A Miracle" Third Day  https://youtu.be/bTjimzpyE4k

"I'll Be Your Miracle" Third Day https://youtu.be/sPNF1U6trAE

"Cry Out To Jesus" Third Day https://youtu.be/JmVxRl5bc4Y

"Drops In The Ocean" Hawk Nelson  https://youtu.be/bZH13wFGffg

"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" Chris Tomlin https://youtu.be/Jbe7OruLk8I

"Praise You in The Storm" Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/uHdcyue0bSw 

"Set Me Free"  Casting Crowns  https://youtu.be/Y2HwtWLokSc  

"Lifesong" Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/vaia32TsPq0  

"Lord You Know"  Riana Nel  https://youtu.be/O40bH9Kb2Yg   

"Brave" Moriah Peters  https://youtu.be/6xWBuWtC8MY 

"Broken Hallelujah"  The Afters  https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k  

"Jesus Take The Wheel" Carrue Underwood 

https://youtu.be/lydBPm2KRaU

A Sharp Nail...

I am far from perfect.  As you probably read in a previous post I talked about my insecurity issues as well as some of my anxiety issues. We all look at social media at times and see our friend's  posts mostly  showing the good & fun times (especially if you are looking at their pictures).  How often do you see a post with horrible pictures?  I know I am guilty, I don't like to post bad pictures of my family or myself.   We tend to put our best foot forward, we want the world to see us in our best light.

The other morning I was running, I felt this pain on the side of my toe.  I knew what it was immediately.  I had just given myself a pedicure not long before and must have not removed a sharp spot on one of my toenails.  That nail must have grown enough that when I stepped it hit the side of the next toe.  Each step I took I felt the sharp stabbing pain.  Ooh it hurt!  I thought to myself, "When I get to the top of the dam I should sit down one of the benches and see if I can remove the sharp spot..."

 I bit my lip the whole mile and a half until I reached the dam.  It hurt soooooo bad!!!  Then my stubborn streak started brewing the closer I got to the benches and I started thinking, "If I step a certain way it won't hurt as bad, then I won't have to stop and take my shoe & sock off, and I can  just keep going." So  I adjusted my step & stride and it did help, just a tiny bit!

I ran to my car,  finishing up  seven and a half miles, that morning, I thought my toe was going to fall off! The throbbing didn't stop the whole drive home, I took my sneakers off in the garage and put them on the shoe dryer, hobbled into the house, and as I was getting ready to head up the stairs to shower I bent down to remove my socks & realized I had a trail of blood on the floor.  My white sock was now a red sock.  My toe was completely torn apart because of a tiny sharp edge on my toe nail.

I have also done a similar thing with a small piece of gravel.  Somehow a small and even almost microscopic piece  gets in the shoe and I am too stubborn to stop to remove it and I end up with a huge blister or a bloody foot. You would think that I would learn my lesson by now!

The little things in our lives, like the sharp nail or the gravel,  may not seem like a huge deal but when we don't deal with them immediately they slowly start to tear us apart and before we know it the small wound can become huge and out of control.

Dealing with physical & mental pain has been just something I have learned to do since I was a teenager. I am a "people pleaser".  So I try to keep peace as well as if anyone ever said hurtful things to me or about me,  I just pretended I had thick skin and dealt with it.  Or if I didn't like a situation I would just bottle up my emotions until one day I would explode (not very healthy by the way). An example of physical pain: I remember back when I was a teenager I didn't want to have shoulder surgery.  My left arm was pretty much just hanging on, I could rotate it almost a full 380 degrees and couldn't feel my fingers at times as the pain would shoot up and down my arm and radiate down my back.  Until finally my parents surprised me the day before Christmas by telling me I was having surgery to repair the torn and stretched-out ligaments in two days (WHAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! Not!)   Then the following fall, I fell on it playing field hockey and re-injured it, I definitely didn't want to have surgery again.  So, I dealt with the pain for well over a year before my parents insisted on surgery again.

And then there were the ovarian cysts that I had dealt with rupturing from the time I was about sixteen or so.  It got to the point that I just would crawl in a ball and pray the pain would go away at times.  The pain medications wouldn't always take it away. There was no use complaining because that only made the pain worse.

The one thing I learned to do is to try to NEVER complain to others about the pain.  Yes there are times someone like my mom or husband may notice that I was or am in pain or not feeling well and they will start talking to me about it & then  I may whine; but being in daily pain I have  just learn to deal or maybe even adjust to it.  I found that if I put a smile on my face it helps some and the more I focus on the pain the worse it becomes, kind-of like the sharp toenail, I kept running on it and when I changed my positioning of how I landed on it, ignoring the pain and focusing on something else the pain didn't go away but it made it more bearable.
.

This all being said, I have lots of examples of of how a something so small could cause so much hurt, but today a story comes to mind...it is from our beach trip the other week,  A drive that should have taken about four hours took well over 5.  I packed the car the night before hoping that we could leave bright and early and be at the beach before lunch hopefully by ten or eleven o'clock.  I  woke up with yet another migraine, Pudge (one of our cats) realized "something was up" and decided she wasn't happy so she peed on a throw rug (UGH!!!) and I had to clean that before we left, then she peed in front of the litter box and I had to clean that, then my car wouldn't start, and then I spilled a quarter bottle of water down over me (if you don't think that sounds like much water get a water bottle and dump a quarter of it on you.) We obviously had a late start and didn't finally exit our county until about nine-thirty. We made it to the beach by about two o'clock and met up with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my nephews.

Things were going well.  We had a great time for the couple hours we spend on the beach until we left the beach to find the rental office.  (We had to go to the rental office  to pick up the key to the house we were staying at for the next few days.)  At this point I have to admit I was on edge; Yes, I was excited because we were on vacation but I had one of my endless migraines as well as a fair amount of abdominal cramping (that I have still been experiencing), I was being hovered by extreme exhaustion (nothing uncommon for me as I'm still struggling with managing my energy levels),plus a tad bit of disappointment that we hadn't reached our destination earlier in the day (allowing us spend more time at the beach), and then the fact that the now we can't find the office and are driving in circles (and we needed to find the office within the next twenty minutes before it closed didn't help either).

Jason and I had a misunderstanding with the directions to the rental office.  I have to admit we were both right and we were both wrong!  It is how men and women look at things differently.  One book I once read described it as the man looks out of blue glasses and the female looks out of pink glasses.  That was exactly how it was! Well lets just say it didn't go well!   He was exhausted and started to get upset with me, I started taking it personally and the conversation it got heated.  I am totally ashamed of how I acted and the words that came out of my mouth that never come out of my mouth.  I actually had to apologize to everyone and to God for my actions because they were unacceptable.

Why am I telling you this?  Because I feel we all go through these days...  The little things can just start adding up in life.  That little piece of gravel or that sharp nail can now become what causes a small wound which in turn can become larger if we are not careful!   Maybe if I would not have been so stubborn & would have been upfront explaining to Jason that I had a migraine& that I was exhausted instead of just putting on my "happy face"pretending all was good all day instead of hiding the fact that I didn't feel well and "sucking it up", and if we both would have been more open to listen to each other the trip to find the rental office wouldn't have turned out as "heated". Maybe it would have, I am not sure?  Like I said we all have those moments, we are all human.  It is how we deal with it once it happens is what matters...

Ephesians 4:26  In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil the foothold.

But IF I would have let that fester & not brought attention to to it, not taken the high road realizing that I was also at fault in the situation, and didn't have to be "always Right Jackie" and apologize; that wound would have gotten larger and what good would that have done? It would not have only impacted me (eventually could have impacting me spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally (obviously)), but it would have impacted my husband, my children, and all of those around me.

Thankfully, we both apologized; traveling (especially the first day) can be very stressful. HA HA

I thank God for an amazing husband and for my wonderful children.

Remember that those tiny pieces of gravel can cause huge wounds!  Don't be stubborn like me and take action, remove the gravel from your shoe. You don't know what your next breath will bring so don't go to bed angry.  Try to figure out what is upsetting you and work on fixing it.