Live Like Your Loved

We knew this time was coming,  it was inevitable.  A few months ago if you would have asked me how long I thought my grandmother would be around, given her health at that very moment, I would have said another ten years or more.  Unfortunately, as many of us know our days on this earth are numbered.

This Monday, when I received the news that my grandmother had passed away I don't know that it really hit me. As I sit here thinking of tomorrows events, it hit me how much of an impact my grandparents really were in my life and my kids lives.

It has been years but I still  miss the visits, the phone calls, and the cards from my Grandma & Grandpa S. (my mom's parents). I would give anything for The "Hug of Death" as I would call it, from my Grandma S. She had this winter jacket that I hated, every time she gave a hug not only would she squeeze you to death but the coat would jab your skin & it would feel like there were a million needles stabbing you to death. My Grandma S. was a hugger, even if she didn't know you she would smile at you and possibly go out of her way to hug you.  Then there was My Grandpa S. was a small quiet man,  I miss sitting on the ground under the blue sky staring at the clouds for hours and listening to his stories; I also miss sharing our birthday parties since we were 70 years and 1 day apart in age.  I miss Grandpa Feaster (he was my Grandma O's second husband) and him pulling my pigtails as a kid calling me "farmer Jackie" and all the fun times with him.  Then there were times with Grandpa O. (my Grandma O's third husband) teasing me,the trips to Carlisle, the mounds of mixed food on his plate, all the time spent with him, as well as  playing cards together, and watching him do his crossword puzzles & word searches. The day Grandpa & Grandma O. brought us a stroller and I had to be the one to put it together; then the next day I  gave birth to Candace.

Some memories just fly back as if it were yesterday; even though some were  from when I was maybe only four and some when I was twenty-four.  There are times I can still hear them all talking & laughing.  I have even often times  seen someone walking and  think it is one of them and my heart skips a beat.

Now, my Grandma O. has joined the rest of my grandparents.  She is now a part of my "past"; that thought is where it finally hit me.  They are all part of my past.  No more cards in the mail with her beautiful signature, no more phone calls talking about the day and what is going on in the neighborhood, no more visits, no more yummy deserts, no more talking about the kids and their sports or what is going on in our lives, no more talk about our love of jewelry.

I will just have the memories... Memories of sneaking upstairs to her bedroom (when I was to be heading to the bathroom)  at the "mansion" (what I called her old house) and getting in her piano jewelry box & wearing her jewelry (thinking she didn't know what I was doing, but she did).

    
 Then the times we would sit down and play duets on the piano, or when my dad and brother took her to get her car and I spilled orange soda all over my dress, and then there was the time I told her I bought my store (the look on her face was priceless). Those are just some to name a few...

This whole death thing isn't easy on this earth; granted knowing she is in a better place makes it easier.  I am just very thankful for the last few months with her.

If you know  a little about me, my grandmother and I are a little alike in this matter: we don't always show people how much we care about them, like maybe we should.  We bottle things up inside until they all come out.  Not always a very healthy way to communicate, that is something I have always struggled with, and still do to this day.  I have however been working on this and been getting much better!

I also didn't inherit the "hugging" gene.  I am one who has to "prepare myself" to give or receive them, or I feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin.  I am afraid I earned this gene from grandma.  I remember my mom getting so upset with me as a small child because I was this way.  I just know growing up, Grandma O. would hug us but when she hugged there was that sense of distance, but I am sure others could feel that same distance from mine too. But that is just us,  it isn't that we don't like someone or love them,  to me it is just something that doesn't feel "natural", "right", it is just "uncomfortable", and probably part of just our anxiety issues around people.  Maybe was different for her, I don't know?  I really never asked.  

Last year when I went through my "cancer journey", as I will call it,  I learned a valuable lesson:  I was going to get many hugs whether I wanted them or not.  Through those hugs, I sometimes laughed, sometimes cried, sometimes I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and sometimes I just felt like everything was going to be okay.  

I learned through this journey how important a hug is for people.  And although I am not a "huggie" person, that I need to "embrace the hug".  I have had to pray about it, asking God to make me less "distant" or less "cold" and to let me not feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin.  Am I always okay now that I have prayed about it? No!  But it has helped!!!   The hug really does show people you care & even if you don't hug  it is important to make sure that others really do know how you feel about them, that you do  care/love them.  

1 John 4:7 (NIV)Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Although, Grandma always told us she loved us and we knew it; going through her place, I really saw some of the extent of her love for us. She saved each card and drawing from my brother and I growing up,  as well as from our five kids.  She saved the cards from our my parents and others close to her that she loved as well.  I was able to keep her journals; skimming through them,  I realized I forgot the date I bought my first car but she had that marked down: October 11, 1999.  The date that my brother got his first big job title as a network admin (June 24, 1999) was marked in one of the journals, as well as  other special dates that at the time might not have been that significant to us but they were significant enough to her to mark them down.  

Over these last few weeks I heard the most meaning full "I love you" and "I love my family" I have ever heard.  I am so blessed to have heard them from her and was able to tell her how much we loved her too.  That is a gift I will never let go of! 

As we go on each day,  lets remember that we don't know what our next moment has for us or when will we take our last breath.  Let's make the best of the time here on this earth.  We, well I, need to remember to live like I know that I am loved,  showing it through hugs, small acts of kindness, making sure that I don't go to bed angry at someone,  and to remember to tell others how much I care and make sure to say those words "I Love You".  

Revelation 21:4 ESV He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Gives me comfort, knowing that some day I will see them again...

I envision you all walking the streets of gold....Until we see you again and we can walk those streets together!