Words Can Hurt...

Insecurity & Anxiety

What I am going to say in this post isn't to get any "feel good" responses.  It is something that I struggle with daily and I am not proud of.    I hope that maybe me bearing my soul about this issue can maybe some how help or empower someone else.  

Many who know me do not realize how insecure I am.  I hide it very very well.  I pretend that everything is fine,  I try to stand and walk tall and keep a confident smile on my face at all times, all the while feeling as though I am going to crawl out of my skin at times.   

The earliest I can remember having self-esteem/self-confidence issues was around the age of four or five.  I remember being in kindergarten (at the age of 5) and twice a year doing the height and weight check; I hated it, I didn't want anyone to see how much I weighed!  (Strange for a 5 year old especially because we didn't have a tv at the time so I didn't see commercials about weight, no one talked about weight around me, my parents told me I was pretty, so unsure why I was that way???)  I have never felt that I was pretty, just always felt ugly,  If I do feel good about myself  it is that I feeling of "normal" or that I look "ok".  

I actually saw councilors over the years to help with the issue.  It is strange & hard to explain: It isn't that I care about what other people think about me, because I REALLY DON'T!  It is HOW I FEEL ABOUT ME! When I see someone look at me, if I feel they are maybe looking at me funny, then  those insecurities I have about myself jump out.  If they don't like how I look I don't care, it is just my perception of my own feelings and they are in my mind confirming my own feelings.   It is hard to explain, Jason doesn't quite understand; I know I am not alone with this because I have some friends I have talked to who feel the same way or at least have agreed with my statement & they don't think I'm completely nuts (haha).

There were times I would tear my closet completely apart and just sit and bawl because I felt that nothing looked or felt right on me.  Most of the time when I looked in the mirror would I see "ugly" or "deformed" & I  ended up picking something apart about my looks.  You would never catch me wearing shorts because I absolutely didn't like how my legs looked in them. (Granted I would complain about the shape but thank God for giving me legs that worked!)  

For years I wouldn't go to the pool because I wouldn't put a swimsuit on; then a friend of mine told me I was selfish because my girls were missing out on so much fun because of me; then I finally bought a few swimsuits and took the girls to the pool. So glad I did, because my kids were missing out and so was I!

Going into crowded areas is nerve wracking to me.  Sometimes, I am OK if it is with people I know or if I have something to keep me occupied, but if I don't know many people or have nothing to keep my busy I just want to crawl in a shell.  My comfort zones are at my store, at my house, and at family & friends homes (for the most part).  

My anxiety is also not just related to physical appearance it has to also deal with how I articulate what I am saying. Many times I can feel uncomfortable around people because if I am uncomfortable to begin with I begin to wonder are they picking apart my words... then the vicious cycle starts.

Loosing my hair kind-of helped my insecurities.  (I still have them but it did help.)

Learning I was going to lose my hair

My hair was to the middle of my back; it hadn't been that length since I was in middle school.  It had taken me years for me to get my hair to that length.  There would be days I would wear it down straight, or I would curl it with steam rollers, I would braid it, put it in cute pig tails, to funky up-do's, crazy braids.  I enjoyed all the possibilities I had!  I even wore a purple feather in my hair for years to see if any of my customers would be offended by it before I put a nice sized purple streak through it.  

Not only was my hair there to cover my head, it was to help me hide from the world.  If I was having a rough insecure day I felt as though my hair helped shelter me.  I could wear it down and hide from everyone (in away) or if I did something really fun with it and stylish it would take attention from my face. 

I don't know why, but I was blindsided when my doctor informed me that I was going to loose my hair.  It was something that I had not expected.  As he was removing the staples from the incision site and telling us about the chemotherapy process & the side effects, the first thing he said was "you are going to want to cut your hair"... 

What?  I was going to loose my hair?  No...  He had to be messing with me...  I started bawling.  Those words hit me so hard.  I felt guilty, because I was so strong through everything but now I was so upset and crying over "hair".  I had so much to be thankful for and again I was crying over hair! Ugh!   

I had about 3 days (not in a row) that it bothered me.  I told myself I was going to go through my first treatment with my long hair and I did.  But my doctor was correct, the weight of the long hair would pull my hair out faster, so after my first treatment my best friend, Heidi, took me to get my hair cut.  

The hair cut was emotional.  Thankfully, my friend Becca was the the one to cut my hair, which made it easier and my friend Tricia stopped by to help be my emotional support.  I had a slight breakdown  that day but having my three friends there made the transition easier.

By the beginning of the second month of treatment, my hair was falling out and got to the point that there was large clumps missing.  I was shopping for a homecoming dress for Candace with all  my girls as well as my mom.  I looked in the unforgiving dressing room mirrors and I actually for the first time the way my hair looked I felt it made me look sick.  (I didn't feel as sick as what I looked which brought more insecurity over me, something I really didn't need at this point of my life.)  I finally made the decision to finish the process and shave the rest off. 

A couple days later our Aunt (who is a cancer survivor) did the honors and shaved what was left on my head off.  Amazingly, I felt better!  I didn't feel like I looked sick any more... It was as if I took control of my insecurity as well (granted I still had my moments). 

My husband,  who isn't a huge social media fan, insisted that I needed to post a picture of myself with the new bald look.  Why? might you ask... Well he knew that I needed to do this.  He knew those insecurity demons would be roaring ready to come out again... He knew that if I showed the world what was under the head coverings, I wouldn't feel as though people were staring and wondering what was going on underneath the head coverings, they would already have seen the bald head. I never imagined the response I received by that post; I figured I would hear from my best friends, family members, and co-workers maybe,  I never imagined seeing hundreds of responses and likes to the post.  The love and support I felt was amazing. At times reading the posts I actually felt beautiful. Although I may not have believed all the positive comments, they were so uplifting & I learned to graciously accept them.

So when you think about it today, when you see someone tell them how great they look or how beautiful they are.  You will make such a difference in their life!

Bright Colors

I decided that if I was going to lose my hair I was going to find and wear the brightest lipsticks. So I found the brightest red, pink, and purple lip colors I could find.  The lip color helped in my mind also take eyes away from my painted on eyebrows and eyeliner (I never gave it a thought I would loose my eyelashes and eyebrows another thing to attack of insecurity).  They have been an everyday part of my routine.  My girls ask, "why do you put your make-up on even if you are not going anywhere?" It is because it mentally makes me feel better.   In my mind, the bright crazy lips help bring me my confidence, it is "my style" almost like my hair was.  My hair is back and at the colored lips are here to stay.   

If you find something that makes you feel more confident go for it...

How words can hurt--It is just hair or is it? 

Luckily, I like to think I have pretty thick skin or at least pretend I do.  I try to be aware of what I say and what I do because I know how it can hurt.  Words and actions hurt.  That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", false!  

There are times that I have gone to bed upset because I thought that I hurt someone's feelings by what I said or how I said it. I have found myself apologizing and many times the person I apologized to can't even think anything of what I did.  I am just super sensitive to peoples feelings; probably because I am a people-pleaser. 

So talking about insecurity issues and hair I have two examples of how we need to be careful what we say, especially if we don't know the situation.

I was working in my store one day and waiting on a friend of mine when a woman (I will call her "Alice") walked through the door.   I started waiting on "Alice" when she looked at me strange and kept looking at me with a look of disapproval (causing the insecurity daemons in my head to start brewing).  Finally, "Alice" says to me, "You cut your hair!" (It wasn't in a playful tone, it was in a disproving tone).   I really didn't want to have to go through my whole story.  So I just replied in as sweet tone, "Yeah" and continued to show her items.  "Alice" didn't take the hint, she kept harping about my hair.  I could see my friend was getting furious.  Finally, after numerous times of her saying things (obviously I could tell she didn't like my hair),  she said to me, "why would you go and cut your beautiful long blonde hair?"...( I felt like she just punched me in the gut,,,, (REALLLY!!  Be nice, be nice.. be nice." was what I was thinking... now what do I do... ),  My response was "Well if I had a choice I wouldn't have done anything to my hair, but I didn't have a choice."  Thinking that she would take the hint and drop it, right? NOPE.... "What's that supposed to mean?" she said.  (Oh my, really!?!?!?)  "Well, I had cancer and lost my hair and it just started growing back," was my response.  She looked at me and all she could say was "Ohhh... "  The look on her face was priceless.

Which is such a great reminder, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all!

Our words, tone, actions can make a difference.  It doesn't have to be just about how someone looks.  Treat people how you would like to be treated.  

Sometimes people talk just to hear themselves talk.  I admit, I think I do it and I need to work on it.   

This really nice woman  (I will call her "Andee") was talking to me and telling me how much she loved my hair (which has been a normal response now, doesn't sound bad, right?).  "Andee" kept on talking about how pretty my hair looks and how she loves how I cut it short and it kind-of has a vintage 20's look with the pin curls. The conversation was going well until "Andee" started telling me how she would love to cut her hair but she is afraid to, because her hairdresser once butchered her hair and it was horrible.  Then she started saying something like "if  my hairdresser would ever butcher my hair again and make me almost go bald, it would kill me.  I would just die".  I really wanted to say something, I should have said something, but I was angry at the moment and would have said something I would have regretted; silence was the best option at the time. 

 If I could  go back and say anything it would be.  " Go for the new hair style.  If your hair ends up butchered it will grow back. It won't kill you.  I had cancer and lost mine because of treatments a few months ago, but mine grew back and loosing my hair didn't kill me." 

This reminds me that we need to remember we don't always know what people have gone through so choose your words wisely!

Proverbs 21:23  He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

This all being said, me being plagued by insecurity my whole life,  the journey we embarked on this past year definitely taught me so much!  

If you suffer with insecurity, remember it is a daily battle but don't give up.  Know that God loves you no matter what!

God doesn't make junk!

I am still learning to stop being so hard on myself.  It hit me when I started loosing my hair,  "If  I don't care about what people think, then why do I care what I think about myself?  So I Need To Stop being so hard on myself.  Since loosing my hair I pulled out the shorts!  If I can walk around bald I can walk around in shorts... Life it too short to care about my thunder thighs.  

Our looks are only skin deep and will only last a short period of time.  What really matters is what is in our heart, not what our face, hair looks like, or what body shape we have. (This is a hard one sometimes)

Three Verses that helped & continues to help me with  insecurity: 

There are a bunch of verses that help me though this daily struggle.  But these three are ones I have posted in my room and pop up on my phone as reminders.

I have a friend that we made each other accountability partners.  When we are being too hard on ourselves we text each other.  I recommend it to anyone who is going though this or something similar; it is amazing how much this has helped!

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV)  But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 

Psalm 34:5(NIV)  Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Why Start A Blog???

For months, I have felt led by God to start a blog.  This is another big leap of faith for me, I am not sure how this blog will turn out? I feel that I am to share my story on Ovarian Cancer; especially being being diagnosed so young.   

This blog may get into what God has done and is doing in my (our) lives, as well as some things that I might struggle with in my daily life and the ways that I find to cope with those struggles that I feel may help others, or maybe inspirational things I may see that day or month. I am not sure how often I may write.  I may even just write about the snake I saw on my run that really wasn't a snake but a bungee cord.   

If you subscribe, like I said, I am not sure what will come out of this.  I am apologizing now for not being the best writer; my grammar & spelling is terrible. 

I just pray that this can be a blessing.   I really don't feel completely comfortable talking about "me" but I hope that by doing this God will speak through me and help someone.     

About Me...

My name is Jackie. I have A wonderful husband, Jason  and three beautiful daughters, Candace 16, Alexandria 10, and Korimae 8.  I own my own business which I had the incredible opportunity to purchase eleven years ago.  I love and enjoy spending time with my family and friends, coaching the youth field hockey in my town, reading, running, watching my kids play all their sports and dance, and taking lots of pictures.  To me, running and listening to music takes me to another place and helps sooth my soul...My favorite hymn “It is Well With My Soul” has helped me get through  many the tough times (I will explain further, I am sure).

Difficult Times

I love running; it is "Soothing to the Soul"  (how I like to sum running up to everyone).   Running to me is my outlet helping me to  release anxiety and stress.  If I go out on my own, it  is my one on one time with God.    I listen to music, take in his beautiful artistry, meditate and pray, whatever...

This morning I started my run a little later than normal.  As I was running so many thoughts and feelings were creeping over me.  I was so overwhelmed with emotions.  From my constant pain I am still having, to thinking about my grandmother being in the hospital and not doing well, to friends and acquaintances of mine struggling with cancer and other issues. The song "The Eye Of The Storm" by Ryan Stevenson started playing as I started running towards this beautiful painting from God in front of me.  (The picture you see above.)  My emotions really got the best of me.  I had to take a picture. 

   

As I was taking the picture and continuing my run, I thought "Sometimes this road we call 'life' can have it's difficult times, pain, and sorrow.  I don't always understand why but sometimes when I allow myself to open up & develop an even closer relationship with The Divine, the issues don't necessary go away; but the peace and comfort I find is what is so soothing to the soul."

 You may be surprised that if you asked me, "Would you go though 2015 again?" what my answer would be...  My answer would be Yes, if I had to I would. Would I want to, no but I still would do it..  Why would my answer be yes?  Because, although it was probably one of the worst years of my life, I learned so much about myself.  I thought that I had a faith but I can't explain how I really felt God's presents like no other time in my life!  I realized how strong I actually am.  I realized how amazing my husband really is... (I knew he was amazing but he far exceeded my expectations).  My relationships with my family strengthened.  I live in a community that is small and it ended up that it really isn't as small as it looks it has the biggest heart. I also look at is as there is always someone out there that had it far worse than I did.  And IF what I went through (my story) can help just ONE person it will all have been worth it! 

Your sadness may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning.  (Psalm 30:5)

Wow, It has been a YEAR already!

Today is August 15, 2016, and it is hard for me to believe that a year ago, yesterday, I entered the hospital not knowing exactly what to expect.  I knew that I had a large tumor that the ultrasound & CT scans showed was "cancerous" but we were praying that they were wrong and the tumor was benign.  

But what led up to this diagnosis???  

Extreme fatigue (to the point that some days I could barely get out of bed and function), with fainting spells, weight gain, severe heartburn, and other medical issues started plaguing me on a regular basis.  I was running daily (up to around 55 mi. each week and I was to the point I couldn't even run). I went to my primary care physician as well as my gynecologist and had countless blood-work and tests done. No big red flags came out of all the testing.  I became very frustrated with going to the doctors and not getting answers and stopped going to the doctors.

I  knew from some of the results from the testing that my Vitamin B12 & D counts were on the lower end of normal, my hormones were alittle out of wack, and that I had PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome). 

For years I dealt with ovarian cysts rupturing as well as infertility issues.  The pain had just been a fact of life and I just dealt with it because I am they type of person who doesn't like taking medications. 

A year before my diagnosis, a cysts was discovered on my left ovary on an ultrasound.  A few weeks later a second ultrasound was completed showing the cyst had decreased in size.  (Between the two ultrasounds, I was in so much pain,  my guess is, the cyst may have ruptured and shrank.)

I wasn't getting answers to my symptoms & I was feeling worse day by day.  My self-esteem was suffering even more so with the weight gain.. Finally, I took matters in my own hands, assuming it had to deal with the PCOS,  I did research on diets that would help the PCOS symptoms.  At the beginning of 2015, I changed my diet and added vitamin supplements.  After making these changes, I started seeing some improvement in my health.  I started having a tad more energy (not much but a tad), I was less bloated, it was a start; so being stubborn, I assumed my symptoms were diet related.

July 30, 2015, at the age of 33, I had my worst “attack of heartburn” yet. Some of my symptoms included swelling up to the point that I appeared 6-8 months pregnant & could barely move.  The pain was so unbearable that simple things, like breathing or sudden movements, like turning my head or moving my arms, hurt. There were numerous times over the course of two days I almost passed out & I was unable to eat or sleep. Thankfully, I finally listened to my body and saw the doctor, instead of waiting for the symptoms to subside. (If I wouldn't have seen the doctor I am sure things would have turned out way different).   An Ultrasound & CT were completed and a grapefruit sized tumor on my left ovary was found and considered to be ovarian cancer.

It Is Well With My Soul


The song was written by Horatio Spafford who lost everything; he lost his business in the Great Chicago Fire, his son died,  his wife and daughters left for Europe and their ship sunk and only survivor was his wife...But he kept on going.... and he wrote the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul". Mr. Spafford reminds me of Job (my hero!).  Job went through sooooooo many trials but never turned his back on God.  Job kept on pushing forward even when everyone told him to just give up!

For weeks leading up to the diagnosis (before I even knew I was sick),  this song "It Is Well With My Soul " had been playing in my head.  Everywhere I went, the song kept playing.  I thought it had to deal with other events happening in my life.

When I went in for that ultrasound I had no idea that it the results were going to show anything more than that I had "gas" or  that fifteen minutes after leaving the facility we would receive news that would change our lives.  I wasn't worried during the ultrasound & I felt calm the whole time I think because God kept playing that hymn over and over in my head.  At the time I didn't know why; I just assumed the hymn was just acting like an "earworm".  When my primary care physician called and insisted that I come into her office, I refused making her tell me the news over the phone & I remained calm... I really believe God put that song in my head to prepare me for the journey.

Throughout the whole journey that hymn was with me (well because God was with me).  It became such a staple that everyone around me pretty much knew about it and I ended up with a bunch of pictures and plaques with the words "It Is Well With My Soul".  Now I have strategically placed around the house these plaques, so when I am having a hard time I see them and it really helps set my mind at ease.  God is Good!

The Day of Surgery & Days After.  

Our doctor knew we had hopes of another child, which was possible even removing that left ovary. Unfortunately,  when he went to remove the tumor he discovered it had already ruptured (probably explaining the extreme pain that I felt, like someone was ripping my insides out which brought me to my knees the week before).   Due to the severity, our doctor couldn't save the other ovary and had to do a hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy.  Which was heartbreaking at the time and still is if I think about it.  (I always wanted a large family, if I had kids.)

BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. DO NOT BE TERRIFIED; DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL BE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO. (JOSHUA 1:9)

Knowing we couldn't have any more children naturally was and is difficult but I am so thankful that God gave us three beautiful daughters.  While I was in the hospital God reminded me that I have three amazing daughters and that they really are miracles.  Knowing this helped with some of the guilt I was putting on myself and also helped get through the pain.   

I was stuck in the hospital for almost a week.  Yes, I was so ready to be at home. While in the hospital I was already "testing my boundaries"... They said that walking around the 5th floor would be good for me, so I had the nurses and the aids help me hobble around the 5th floor.   There came a point I convinced them I could go on my own, I WAS FREE!!!!  I probably walked a hundred laps.  All I wanted to do was go home and I was going to prove it!   

I think it was the 4th or 5th morning in the hospital when my doctor realized what he was up against:A stubborn bullheaded woman...  It was early in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I asked for  help to get up  to walk.  Not only was I bored and unable to sleep, I was going to prove I could manage at home.   I probably had been walking laps for a good 30 min.  (I normally walked until I couldn't walk any longer or I got too dizzy. Of course didn't let them know I was dizzy).  Well my doctor came to check on me, and couldn't find me, OOPS... You should have seen his face when he found out that I had been walking all morning.  

I joked with Jason and my nurses that this must  my "Tracking Devise" since I was obviously a "flight risk" and must have been the reason they put this on my wrist. 

Road to Recovery

Recovery period was rough... Lots of pain but I got through it with lots of help and support from prayer warriors, as well as family and friends support!

I went through a three-month chemotherapy program.  It wasn't fun.  There were definitely some rough patches.  But on the bright side Jason and I had a "date" day every Monday.  Those months of chemo definitely brought us all closer and made us realize our priorities.  But praise God,  I am cancer free!

Our family gives all the God all the glory for helping us get through all the highs and lows.  Our thanks also goes to our AMAZING community for the prayers, love, and support that was given throughout the whole journey! I truly believe that without God, Family, and Community, the healing process would have been IMPOSSIBLE!  I had to learn a huge lesson in pride though all of this.  I don't like to accept help, (because I am stubborn) from anyone and at a point I finally had to swallow my pride and accept help.  

It is crazy,  I received hundreds of Get Well and Thinking of You cards and NOT ONE matches... How does that happen?  (It has to be a God thing!)  

AWARENESS

Lately I feel my mission is to make sure that everyone becomes more AWARE. If you are reading this please don't be stubborn like me & have regular checkups. Listen to your body!  You may not have "ovarian cancer symptoms" it maybe symptoms dealing with your heart, or with migraines, or a knee injury for instance; but if you feel something is not right,  keep pushing for answers! Make sure you don’t skip having your physicals. Your life is worth it!

Some Ovarian Cancer Symptoms:

In early stages, there may be no symptoms for ovarian cancer and the symptoms of ovarian cancer can be easily confused with other conditions.

These symptoms include: • Vague abdominal pain and pelvic discomfort. • A feeling of being bloated or noticing that clothes don't fit as well as they once did. • Loss of appetite or feeling full even after a light meal. • Gas and/or indigestion that persists over time. • Unusual weight loss or gain. • A change in bowel habits, or a frequent urge to urinate. • Unexplained fatigue or back pain. • Unusual bleeding or discharge. • Pain during intercourse. • Shortness of breath. (If you have symptoms such as these that won't go away, and cannot be explained by other reasons, report them to your doctor.)