Insecurity & Anxiety
What I am going to say in this post isn't to get any "feel good" responses. It is something that I struggle with daily and I am not proud of. I hope that maybe me bearing my soul about this issue can maybe some how help or empower someone else.
Many who know me do not realize how insecure I am. I hide it very very well. I pretend that everything is fine, I try to stand and walk tall and keep a confident smile on my face at all times, all the while feeling as though I am going to crawl out of my skin at times.
Many who know me do not realize how insecure I am. I hide it very very well. I pretend that everything is fine, I try to stand and walk tall and keep a confident smile on my face at all times, all the while feeling as though I am going to crawl out of my skin at times.
The earliest I can remember having self-esteem/self-confidence issues was around the age of four or five. I remember being in kindergarten (at the age of 5) and twice a year doing the height and weight check; I hated it, I didn't want anyone to see how much I weighed! (Strange for a 5 year old especially because we didn't have a tv at the time so I didn't see commercials about weight, no one talked about weight around me, my parents told me I was pretty, so unsure why I was that way???) I have never felt that I was pretty, just always felt ugly, If I do feel good about myself it is that I feeling of "normal" or that I look "ok".
I actually saw councilors over the years to help with the issue. It is strange & hard to explain: It isn't that I care about what other people think about me, because I REALLY DON'T! It is HOW I FEEL ABOUT ME! When I see someone look at me, if I feel they are maybe looking at me funny, then those insecurities I have about myself jump out. If they don't like how I look I don't care, it is just my perception of my own feelings and they are in my mind confirming my own feelings. It is hard to explain, Jason doesn't quite understand; I know I am not alone with this because I have some friends I have talked to who feel the same way or at least have agreed with my statement & they don't think I'm completely nuts (haha).
There were times I would tear my closet completely apart and just sit and bawl because I felt that nothing looked or felt right on me. Most of the time when I looked in the mirror would I see "ugly" or "deformed" & I ended up picking something apart about my looks. You would never catch me wearing shorts because I absolutely didn't like how my legs looked in them. (Granted I would complain about the shape but thank God for giving me legs that worked!)
For years I wouldn't go to the pool because I wouldn't put a swimsuit on; then a friend of mine told me I was selfish because my girls were missing out on so much fun because of me; then I finally bought a few swimsuits and took the girls to the pool. So glad I did, because my kids were missing out and so was I!
For years I wouldn't go to the pool because I wouldn't put a swimsuit on; then a friend of mine told me I was selfish because my girls were missing out on so much fun because of me; then I finally bought a few swimsuits and took the girls to the pool. So glad I did, because my kids were missing out and so was I!
Going into crowded areas is nerve wracking to me. Sometimes, I am OK if it is with people I know or if I have something to keep me occupied, but if I don't know many people or have nothing to keep my busy I just want to crawl in a shell. My comfort zones are at my store, at my house, and at family & friends homes (for the most part).
My anxiety is also not just related to physical appearance it has to also deal with how I articulate what I am saying. Many times I can feel uncomfortable around people because if I am uncomfortable to begin with I begin to wonder are they picking apart my words... then the vicious cycle starts.
Loosing my hair kind-of helped my insecurities. (I still have them but it did help.)
My anxiety is also not just related to physical appearance it has to also deal with how I articulate what I am saying. Many times I can feel uncomfortable around people because if I am uncomfortable to begin with I begin to wonder are they picking apart my words... then the vicious cycle starts.
Loosing my hair kind-of helped my insecurities. (I still have them but it did help.)
Learning I was going to lose my hair
Not only was my hair there to cover my head, it was to help me hide from the world. If I was having a rough insecure day I felt as though my hair helped shelter me. I could wear it down and hide from everyone (in away) or if I did something really fun with it and stylish it would take attention from my face.
I don't know why, but I was blindsided when my doctor informed me that I was going to loose my hair. It was something that I had not expected. As he was removing the staples from the incision site and telling us about the chemotherapy process & the side effects, the first thing he said was "you are going to want to cut your hair"...
What? I was going to loose my hair? No... He had to be messing with me... I started bawling. Those words hit me so hard. I felt guilty, because I was so strong through everything but now I was so upset and crying over "hair". I had so much to be thankful for and again I was crying over hair! Ugh!
I had about 3 days (not in a row) that it bothered me. I told myself I was going to go through my first treatment with my long hair and I did. But my doctor was correct, the weight of the long hair would pull my hair out faster, so after my first treatment my best friend, Heidi, took me to get my hair cut.
The hair cut was emotional. Thankfully, my friend Becca was the the one to cut my hair, which made it easier and my friend Tricia stopped by to help be my emotional support. I had a slight breakdown that day but having my three friends there made the transition easier.
What? I was going to loose my hair? No... He had to be messing with me... I started bawling. Those words hit me so hard. I felt guilty, because I was so strong through everything but now I was so upset and crying over "hair". I had so much to be thankful for and again I was crying over hair! Ugh!
I had about 3 days (not in a row) that it bothered me. I told myself I was going to go through my first treatment with my long hair and I did. But my doctor was correct, the weight of the long hair would pull my hair out faster, so after my first treatment my best friend, Heidi, took me to get my hair cut.
The hair cut was emotional. Thankfully, my friend Becca was the the one to cut my hair, which made it easier and my friend Tricia stopped by to help be my emotional support. I had a slight breakdown that day but having my three friends there made the transition easier.
By the beginning of the second month of treatment, my hair was falling out and got to the point that there was large clumps missing. I was shopping for a homecoming dress for Candace with all my girls as well as my mom. I looked in the unforgiving dressing room mirrors and I actually for the first time the way my hair looked I felt it made me look sick. (I didn't feel as sick as what I looked which brought more insecurity over me, something I really didn't need at this point of my life.) I finally made the decision to finish the process and shave the rest off.
A couple days later our Aunt (who is a cancer survivor) did the honors and shaved what was left on my head off. Amazingly, I felt better! I didn't feel like I looked sick any more... It was as if I took control of my insecurity as well (granted I still had my moments).
A couple days later our Aunt (who is a cancer survivor) did the honors and shaved what was left on my head off. Amazingly, I felt better! I didn't feel like I looked sick any more... It was as if I took control of my insecurity as well (granted I still had my moments).
My husband, who isn't a huge social media fan, insisted that I needed to post a picture of myself with the new bald look. Why? might you ask... Well he knew that I needed to do this. He knew those insecurity demons would be roaring ready to come out again... He knew that if I showed the world what was under the head coverings, I wouldn't feel as though people were staring and wondering what was going on underneath the head coverings, they would already have seen the bald head. I never imagined the response I received by that post; I figured I would hear from my best friends, family members, and co-workers maybe, I never imagined seeing hundreds of responses and likes to the post. The love and support I felt was amazing. At times reading the posts I actually felt beautiful. Although I may not have believed all the positive comments, they were so uplifting & I learned to graciously accept them.
So when you think about it today, when you see someone tell them how great they look or how beautiful they are. You will make such a difference in their life!
Bright Colors
I decided that if I was going to lose my hair I was going to find and wear the brightest lipsticks. So I found the brightest red, pink, and purple lip colors I could find. The lip color helped in my mind also take eyes away from my painted on eyebrows and eyeliner (I never gave it a thought I would loose my eyelashes and eyebrows another thing to attack of insecurity). They have been an everyday part of my routine. My girls ask, "why do you put your make-up on even if you are not going anywhere?" It is because it mentally makes me feel better. In my mind, the bright crazy lips help bring me my confidence, it is "my style" almost like my hair was. My hair is back and at the colored lips are here to stay.
If you find something that makes you feel more confident go for it...
How words can hurt--It is just hair or is it?
Luckily, I like to think I have pretty thick skin or at least pretend I do. I try to be aware of what I say and what I do because I know how it can hurt. Words and actions hurt. That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", false!
There are times that I have gone to bed upset because I thought that I hurt someone's feelings by what I said or how I said it. I have found myself apologizing and many times the person I apologized to can't even think anything of what I did. I am just super sensitive to peoples feelings; probably because I am a people-pleaser.
So talking about insecurity issues and hair I have two examples of how we need to be careful what we say, especially if we don't know the situation.
So talking about insecurity issues and hair I have two examples of how we need to be careful what we say, especially if we don't know the situation.
I was working in my store one day and waiting on a friend of mine when a woman (I will call her "Alice") walked through the door. I started waiting on "Alice" when she looked at me strange and kept looking at me with a look of disapproval (causing the insecurity daemons in my head to start brewing). Finally, "Alice" says to me, "You cut your hair!" (It wasn't in a playful tone, it was in a disproving tone). I really didn't want to have to go through my whole story. So I just replied in as sweet tone, "Yeah" and continued to show her items. "Alice" didn't take the hint, she kept harping about my hair. I could see my friend was getting furious. Finally, after numerous times of her saying things (obviously I could tell she didn't like my hair), she said to me, "why would you go and cut your beautiful long blonde hair?"...( I felt like she just punched me in the gut,,,, (REALLLY!! Be nice, be nice.. be nice." was what I was thinking... now what do I do... ), My response was "Well if I had a choice I wouldn't have done anything to my hair, but I didn't have a choice." Thinking that she would take the hint and drop it, right? NOPE.... "What's that supposed to mean?" she said. (Oh my, really!?!?!?) "Well, I had cancer and lost my hair and it just started growing back," was my response. She looked at me and all she could say was "Ohhh... " The look on her face was priceless.
Which is such a great reminder, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all!
Our words, tone, actions can make a difference. It doesn't have to be just about how someone looks. Treat people how you would like to be treated.
Sometimes people talk just to hear themselves talk. I admit, I think I do it and I need to work on it.
This really nice woman (I will call her "Andee") was talking to me and telling me how much she loved my hair (which has been a normal response now, doesn't sound bad, right?). "Andee" kept on talking about how pretty my hair looks and how she loves how I cut it short and it kind-of has a vintage 20's look with the pin curls. The conversation was going well until "Andee" started telling me how she would love to cut her hair but she is afraid to, because her hairdresser once butchered her hair and it was horrible. Then she started saying something like "if my hairdresser would ever butcher my hair again and make me almost go bald, it would kill me. I would just die". I really wanted to say something, I should have said something, but I was angry at the moment and would have said something I would have regretted; silence was the best option at the time.
If I could go back and say anything it would be. " Go for the new hair style. If your hair ends up butchered it will grow back. It won't kill you. I had cancer and lost mine because of treatments a few months ago, but mine grew back and loosing my hair didn't kill me."
This really nice woman (I will call her "Andee") was talking to me and telling me how much she loved my hair (which has been a normal response now, doesn't sound bad, right?). "Andee" kept on talking about how pretty my hair looks and how she loves how I cut it short and it kind-of has a vintage 20's look with the pin curls. The conversation was going well until "Andee" started telling me how she would love to cut her hair but she is afraid to, because her hairdresser once butchered her hair and it was horrible. Then she started saying something like "if my hairdresser would ever butcher my hair again and make me almost go bald, it would kill me. I would just die". I really wanted to say something, I should have said something, but I was angry at the moment and would have said something I would have regretted; silence was the best option at the time.
If I could go back and say anything it would be. " Go for the new hair style. If your hair ends up butchered it will grow back. It won't kill you. I had cancer and lost mine because of treatments a few months ago, but mine grew back and loosing my hair didn't kill me."
This reminds me that we need to remember we don't always know what people have gone through so choose your words wisely!
Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.
This all being said, me being plagued by insecurity my whole life, the journey we embarked on this past year definitely taught me so much!
If you suffer with insecurity, remember it is a daily battle but don't give up. Know that God loves you no matter what!
God doesn't make junk!
I am still learning to stop being so hard on myself. It hit me when I started loosing my hair, "If I don't care about what people think, then why do I care what I think about myself? So I Need To Stop being so hard on myself. Since loosing my hair I pulled out the shorts! If I can walk around bald I can walk around in shorts... Life it too short to care about my thunder thighs.
Our looks are only skin deep and will only last a short period of time. What really matters is what is in our heart, not what our face, hair looks like, or what body shape we have. (This is a hard one sometimes)
If you suffer with insecurity, remember it is a daily battle but don't give up. Know that God loves you no matter what!
God doesn't make junk!
I am still learning to stop being so hard on myself. It hit me when I started loosing my hair, "If I don't care about what people think, then why do I care what I think about myself? So I Need To Stop being so hard on myself. Since loosing my hair I pulled out the shorts! If I can walk around bald I can walk around in shorts... Life it too short to care about my thunder thighs.
Our looks are only skin deep and will only last a short period of time. What really matters is what is in our heart, not what our face, hair looks like, or what body shape we have. (This is a hard one sometimes)
Three Verses that helped & continues to help me with insecurity:
There are a bunch of verses that help me though this daily struggle. But these three are ones I have posted in my room and pop up on my phone as reminders.
I have a friend that we made each other accountability partners. When we are being too hard on ourselves we text each other. I recommend it to anyone who is going though this or something similar; it is amazing how much this has helped!
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