A Little Wine With My Whine...

WHAT?  We are already ½ way through June!?!?

To say the first half of 2017 has been amazing and the best year ever, well, would be a lie.  Let’s just Two-thousand Seventeen has started out with a bang!  I feel I am being tested and sometimes I feel I am failing my tests miserably!

 

The Immediate Family.

Alexandria ended up colliding with a frozen soccer ball to the head during recess playing dodge ball, resulting in a concussion.  We treated for just a week and found out that she had Lyme Disease so we assumed her symptoms were due to the Lyme Disease but after her full course of antibiotics her migraines and concussion symptoms remained (at least all of her Lyme symptoms seemed to be resolved and her testing improved).  So, we went to a concussion specialist and started physical therapy. All she wanted to do was play softball, dance, and be a kid; she was off for a couple months which was driving her crazy. (She is much better now but is still doing eye therapy and by the end of summer should be back to normal.)

Then there was our Korimae.  I came home from work one evening to “Mommy, I think I broke my tooth!”  She shows me a piece of a tooth that looks like salt from a soft pretzel.  So, I think to myself, “Oh, that can’t be so bad it is probably a chipped baby tooth.”  I ask her to open her mouth.   She opens her mouth and I see a big hole in a molar and her gum!  It is much BIGGER than I think; Oh no!  Then on top of it all I see what looks like a bunch cavities!  My self-proclaimed “candy monster” has cavities and it is all my fault!  (You see, we make a whole day of it and all go as a family to the dentist; when I found out I had cancer and started treatments I had to cancel all our appointments.  After I finished my treatments I was in the process of switching dentists and trying to get us all in but time just got away and a year went by; the crazy thing was I had just spoke with our aunt who works at the new office to get everything ready for us all to get in.)  Let’s just say her mouth became quite costly after a trip to the dentist & oral surgeon.  I am so thankful to God that the broken molar and cracked molar were just baby teeth!  She had two teeth removed, a spacer put in, and seven cavities filled!

 We asked her if she learned her lesson.  Her response, “Yes, Eat More CANDY!”   Ugh!!!!

I have to admit, I am quite ashamed of myself the last few months.  I have been quite a whiner, more so than normal.  Maybe not out loud to others but to myself.   I feel like I am always whining about not feeling up to par or about this thing or that thing, and then I feel quite guilty because of how blessed I am. 

The end of January, I had a "small" outpatient procedure to remove some adhesions that were giving me some issues with what I am going to call "chronic" pelvic pain.  I really thought that I was going to maybe only be off a day maybe two of work, so when I asked at scheduling if I could go back to work the next day, I felt like I was being laughed at as I was being told I needed to be off at least a week.  

For those of you who know me, you know my passion is running.  Running is my escape from it all, my outlet, my time alone to meditate and pray or enjoy God's beauty.  Well I was thinking that this was a "small" procedure so after a week I should be able to go back to running, well I was very sore so I was good and I also listened to my husband who said you better wait and ask  the doctor before you start back to running.  (UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!) 

So, I went to my post-op appointment, and guess what?  I did what I said I would, I asked him if I could run (thinking that if not that week maybe next)... NOPE... at least 6 weeks... WHAT???? But at least I got a "You can work up to walking" turned into "You can briskly walk". (UGH).  

 So President's Day came and I still couldn't run yet and that is when it hit me hard.  I know I sound like such a complainer... Booo Hoo Jackie can't run!  

But when you take away something you enjoy it really is depressing!

And Do you realize how long it takes to walk 7 miles?

So I have been walking as much as I can up to seven or more miles & sometimes less. But it can be frustrating especially when you know how further you can run in the same amount of time you were walking.

Well,  President's Day,  I went to the park bright and early.  It was so beautiful out, bright and sunny about 45 degrees when I arrived and by the time I left it hit about 60.  When I arrived there were people everywhere, so there was NO sneaking a run in (although, I was thinking about it, but definitely would have been busted by someone who knew my  "Personal Code's Enforcement Officer", Jason").  

I started my walk enjoying the beautiful scenery. I have always said I would never run in a race, because all the people around it makes me anxious and I run to relieve anxiety not to bring it on.  I enjoy running by myself or with friends. 

I was a little irritated watching everyone who jogged toward me, as I longed to be running.  But I realized something about myself I didn't realize existed; I am rather competitive without trying... Yes, I was a tad irritated when runners would run toward me, but as I was briskly walking I had a couple pass me.  YES, an area that I normally run, normally no one passes me (well normally because not as busy I am sure) but I was getting more and more annoyed. 

At one point a woman passed me and I found myself catching up to her. I wasn't running, I just picked up my speed even more and then I realized I was crying because I was so upset because I wasn't running...  Isn't that HORRIBLE!?!?!  I think there is actually something wrong with me!

Anyway... At that point I had to basically say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???  You are SO LUCKY! God has blessed you with a wonderful family & amazing friends, health, a home, a business.  You had cancer and now are cancer free!  And you are here whining and have been for the last few weeks because you are walking instead of running; GROW-UP!  There are more important things to whine about and focus your energy on."  So I finished my walk focused on just praying for all those around me having hard times.

Then after I recovered from this I had my wisdom removed on Good Friday, and of course I wasn’t an easy patient.  It probably wasn't the smartest idea to have them removed before Easter, but I don't always do things the easy way.  My chart ended up with a BIG RED FLAG.  After surgery, my face bruised and I was the lucky  one who got a “dry socket”!!! AHHHHH!!! So painful!  So needless to say I saw the oral surgeon not a total of twice as planned, I saw him for I believe a total of 2 and half weeks after surgery.  And did you know you can’t run after for a couple weeks after you have your wisdom teeth extracted? Uggghhhh!!!

Then my migraines just won’t settle down which is so frustrating!  We switched insurance companies at the beginning of the year which was a mess!    I was scheduled for Botox injections for the first week of January for my migraines; this set of injections would help me kind-of determine if they are really helping or not,  well because the new insurance kept denying it due to “paperwork issues” I went over a month past the date I was supposed to receive the injections meaning the injections before were completely out of my system and  I have to pretty much start over from the beginning to be able to judge if they are really working.  

But on the bright side we have met our deductibles so far with all of Alexandria, Korimae, and my tests we have had. 

Just like everyone else, there is all the extras that insurance didn’t cover, our truck is about dead… and there is a spot that needs fixed on the other vehicle… the central air went out at the house and is just patched until next year, etc… It just seems like when you think you’re getting ahead you take 20 steps behind…

Then there is our friends and family…It seems like everywhere I turn there is heartbreak. 

A precious little girl so sweet, caring, and thoughtful, always one of the first to run up to me and hug me and say “Hey Coach” or “You're going to wear the Blue lipstick, right coach?”  was taken too soon and went to be with Jesus.  My heartaches and my eyes fill with tears every time I think of her and pray for her family and friends.  I almost feel as if I have lost a part of my own family; I don't know how to explain it.  I just loved this little one.  As I run at the park and I see little blue birds and think of her and her cute giggle.  I swear I can hear her say “run faster Coach” then I laugh….  And I think of this upcoming field hockey season and how it is going to be so rough without her!  

Then it seems everywhere I turn someone I know well had a heart attack, some crazy disease, they have cancer, or passed away.  I am half afraid to answer the phone at times or open the prayer chain email because of who I may hear about next. And I start to question God and I shouldn't and I stop and pray because I know I am wrong, and that there is a bigger picture and  don't always know why and I have to just remember hand it over to God...

 

"Trust In You"- Lauren Daigle

It is crazy when someone you know gets cancer how many feelings return, but when someone really close to you gets the diagnosis the emotions that flow back are so powerful. 

I am just almost over 2017…Why am I telling you all of this????

Not to pity me, but to be real!  It is to say we all have difficult times.  I don’t know why we go through these rough patches?  I must believe there is a lesson to be learned.  I think my lesson is patience, pray more, and to trust God more.  Trust him that he will provide and give him my anxieties; stop worrying.    

 

Is all of 2017 bad, NO???? Not at all!!!

I am still CANCER FREE, Thanks to GOD!     I have an amazing family and friends that I have been able to spend time with and share lots of laughter, memories, and stories with.

I have been able to watch my girls play ball all spring. We are all healthy now (minus my exhaustion and migraines).  Thanks to God and my amazing doctor the abdominal surgery in January, I will call a success; I still have some discomfort at times but not the constant pain like before!  I have witnessed friends of mine healed of cancer.  I have seen miracle babies born.  I have heard countless stories of how God has been faithful in situations that could have been bad but turned out good.  

I get to run any time I want and see beautiful canvases like the picture below that God paints just for me! 

 

I guess I/we have to remember to live each day to the fullest, looking at the glass HALF FULL rather than half empty; only then can we really enjoy the Fruity taste of the WINE.

The Little Big Things

Really?

It has been a crazy start of 2017. It has started off with dealing with the change in health insurance & fighting with them to get approvals for tests, medications, and procedures. Then our middle daughter, Alex, was hit in the head with a soccer ball at recess causing a mild concussion (which will lead into why I am writing this), our youngest daughter, Kori, ended up breaking a tooth and needed to see the oral surgeon to have it & another removed (thankfully they are baby teeth). Then a week later, I had an outpatient procedure done.   No wonder we are already through January and almost through February, with running around with all these appointments for the girls and myself not including the rest of what life entails (New Years Parties, work, school, sports, dance, grocery shopping, birthday parties,  Junior Bible Quiz practice and matches, etc...).  

Thankful for the soccer ball to the head

Sometimes I feel God gives us warning signs and we either listen or we don't. Reminding me of the movie "Bruce Almighty" when Bruce is asking God for a sign and God has placed plenty of signs in front of him but Bruce fails to open his eyes even though he is begging for a sign.

Well our daughter, Alex, for the last few months had been complaining off and on about having a headache.  (She is not one to complain.)  We would treat the headache and assume it was sinuses, allergies, or some other logical reason and she would be fine.  I hoped and prayed she was not turning into me with the migraines.  She would also complain about ankle pain when she didn't even seem to do anything to the ankle. 

One day she was hit on the head by a soccer  ball during a game of dodge ball &  she came home complaining of a severe headache. She whined all afternoon and evening about her head (even after applying an ice pack the head and taking Tylenol).  We kept checking on her all night but the pain just wouldn't subside, so the next day I took her to see the doctor.  While at the doctor's appointment, I spoke to him about her reoccurring headaches.

We discussed what maybe causing these headaches.  Could it be hormonal, could it be her not wearing her glasses, could it be allergy related...or could it possibly be Lyme disease, or something else?   

I was praying for an easy fix! I don't want her to suffer with migraines like me.  That would just breaking my heart.  

If the headaches were from her not wearing her glasses, that's an easy fix! Allergies would be a pain but at least we could maybe adjust her medications and hopefully her headaches would subside.

Then there is the Lyme... Our family is very active. We are always outside. The kids play outside all year, we like to hike and bike.  She also goes hunting with her daddy. Given all of this and the area we live there was a strong likelihood she had Lyme.   

But if she was checked for Lyme and that came back clear  what could it be? 

Well blood work was done... and sure enough she was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. 

So here is my plea to you 

Never once did I find a tick on her or a bulls-eye. I check my girls thoroughly when they come in from playing outside. 

Thankfully my husband and I started paying attention to the signs that I feel God was placing before us and we brought it to her doctor's attention and had her tested for Lyme.  She was started on antibiotics immediately and thankfully it looks as though it was caught early enough that there shouldn't be any residual affects.

Alex was complaining of constant headaches before we realized anything was going on. And looking back she also had other symptoms like ankle pain and muscle-aches and stomach issues.  

So be an advocate for yourself or your child. Make sure if there are symptoms you speak up and look into them. 

Some Early Symptoms of LYME Disease.

• In the first stage, you may have a rash (erythema migrans ) at the site of the tick bite. You may also have a lack of energy or a headache and stiff neck. Sometimes people have no symptoms at this stage.
• In the second stage, symptoms may include memory problems and pain and weakness in the arms and legs.
• In the third stage, symptoms may include swelling and pain (like arthritis) in the joints, not being able to control facial muscles, and numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, or back.

 http://www.webmd.com/arthritis/tc/lyme-disease-symptoms

Proverbs 3:5-6   Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

The Struggle Can Be Real…

It is hard for me to believe that Christmas is only a few days away.  I feel like a broken record when I keep saying where did 2016 go?  For me this year was a great year with so much to be thankful for.  Each month just passed quickly as each day seemed to be “jam packed” with a schedule full of something from work, school, church events, dance, doctor appointments, birthday parties, sporting events, etc. I personally hope that 2017 doesn’t fly as quickly as this year has.

There was a day a few weeks ago, I went on a run.  Well I run pretty much every day, but this day was different because it was about 20 degrees out and extremely windy.  The wind was not my friend that day; it just beat me down.  I was running into the wind and it kept pushing me back.  At one point, it almost pushed me into a car, I had to throw myself a little to the left almost onto a bank.   As the wind, would blow I would have to turn my head to the side or it would take my breath away.  There were also times that as I was progressing up the hills the wind would sort-of lift me as I lifted my feet; it was crazy!

For part of my run, I veered off the main road onto a trail and I saw the wind had knocked down a tree limb.

I normally wouldn’t take pictures of this; but this day it made me stop and think.  There are so many things in our lives that we wrestle with: relationships, jobs, health issues, etc.  Do we let those issues cover our path and stop us dead in our tracks and retreat, or do we press forward and pick up each of those broken limbs and clear our pathway?

I chose to pick up all the pieces and continue with my run. 

Some of you may know about my chronic migraines.  I have always suffered with migraines, ever since I was a child but since my hysterectomy and chemo treatments they have been relentless.  We are unsure why, I have been to specialists, and through countless testing, as well as different medications including Botox injections, without much success.  I would say out of a month, I may go 3-5 days headache free.  I may not always have the pounding or throbbing pain; sometimes I just have the other symptoms that go along with migraines ex. Nausea the vision issues, high pitched ringing in the ears, dizziness, lightheadedness, etc.    I am pretty much exhausted all the time and in a “BRAIN FOG” … There are times I feel like I can’t remember anything because I have a hard time concentrating.  But because I have these headaches constantly, I must push on, I can’t crawl in a dark cold room (which would be great).  I must smile and act as if everything is fine.  I also have been still having issues with some pelvic pain that just won’t go away…

There are times I just get to a point that I just cry, “WHY?!?!”

So why am I telling you all this?  To pity me? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Just to say, that sometimes even when things are hard you still should smile and push forward.  Even when you don’t want to!  That wind pushes hard and harder; but sometimes, you have to be stubborn and push back harder.

Then as I was running near the water I took this video of the waves and noticed that all the leaves were stuck floating in the corner. The sound of the wind was relentless.   

It made me think that if I am not careful, I can be like that, stuck in a rut of discouragement, depression, just being a constant “Debbie Downer”, dwelling on the bad; floating in the corner not able to leave, allowing the wind and the waves to beat us against the shore.  Trust me, it is much easier said than done.  It is easy to just complain about the situation that you are in and to want to give up rather than focus on the good.   Just know that you are not alone.       

I am not giving up, God healed me of the cancer!  I am just waiting patiently now for the other pain to be healed but I have faith and going to keep smiling because I don’t want to get stuck in that “rut”…

Psalm 59:17 (NET)  You are my source of strength!  I will sing praises to you! For God is my refuge, the God who loves me.

Live Like Your Loved

We knew this time was coming,  it was inevitable.  A few months ago if you would have asked me how long I thought my grandmother would be around, given her health at that very moment, I would have said another ten years or more.  Unfortunately, as many of us know our days on this earth are numbered.

This Monday, when I received the news that my grandmother had passed away I don't know that it really hit me. As I sit here thinking of tomorrows events, it hit me how much of an impact my grandparents really were in my life and my kids lives.

It has been years but I still  miss the visits, the phone calls, and the cards from my Grandma & Grandpa S. (my mom's parents). I would give anything for The "Hug of Death" as I would call it, from my Grandma S. She had this winter jacket that I hated, every time she gave a hug not only would she squeeze you to death but the coat would jab your skin & it would feel like there were a million needles stabbing you to death. My Grandma S. was a hugger, even if she didn't know you she would smile at you and possibly go out of her way to hug you.  Then there was My Grandpa S. was a small quiet man,  I miss sitting on the ground under the blue sky staring at the clouds for hours and listening to his stories; I also miss sharing our birthday parties since we were 70 years and 1 day apart in age.  I miss Grandpa Feaster (he was my Grandma O's second husband) and him pulling my pigtails as a kid calling me "farmer Jackie" and all the fun times with him.  Then there were times with Grandpa O. (my Grandma O's third husband) teasing me,the trips to Carlisle, the mounds of mixed food on his plate, all the time spent with him, as well as  playing cards together, and watching him do his crossword puzzles & word searches. The day Grandpa & Grandma O. brought us a stroller and I had to be the one to put it together; then the next day I  gave birth to Candace.

Some memories just fly back as if it were yesterday; even though some were  from when I was maybe only four and some when I was twenty-four.  There are times I can still hear them all talking & laughing.  I have even often times  seen someone walking and  think it is one of them and my heart skips a beat.

Now, my Grandma O. has joined the rest of my grandparents.  She is now a part of my "past"; that thought is where it finally hit me.  They are all part of my past.  No more cards in the mail with her beautiful signature, no more phone calls talking about the day and what is going on in the neighborhood, no more visits, no more yummy deserts, no more talking about the kids and their sports or what is going on in our lives, no more talk about our love of jewelry.

I will just have the memories... Memories of sneaking upstairs to her bedroom (when I was to be heading to the bathroom)  at the "mansion" (what I called her old house) and getting in her piano jewelry box & wearing her jewelry (thinking she didn't know what I was doing, but she did).

    
 Then the times we would sit down and play duets on the piano, or when my dad and brother took her to get her car and I spilled orange soda all over my dress, and then there was the time I told her I bought my store (the look on her face was priceless). Those are just some to name a few...

This whole death thing isn't easy on this earth; granted knowing she is in a better place makes it easier.  I am just very thankful for the last few months with her.

If you know  a little about me, my grandmother and I are a little alike in this matter: we don't always show people how much we care about them, like maybe we should.  We bottle things up inside until they all come out.  Not always a very healthy way to communicate, that is something I have always struggled with, and still do to this day.  I have however been working on this and been getting much better!

I also didn't inherit the "hugging" gene.  I am one who has to "prepare myself" to give or receive them, or I feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin.  I am afraid I earned this gene from grandma.  I remember my mom getting so upset with me as a small child because I was this way.  I just know growing up, Grandma O. would hug us but when she hugged there was that sense of distance, but I am sure others could feel that same distance from mine too. But that is just us,  it isn't that we don't like someone or love them,  to me it is just something that doesn't feel "natural", "right", it is just "uncomfortable", and probably part of just our anxiety issues around people.  Maybe was different for her, I don't know?  I really never asked.  

Last year when I went through my "cancer journey", as I will call it,  I learned a valuable lesson:  I was going to get many hugs whether I wanted them or not.  Through those hugs, I sometimes laughed, sometimes cried, sometimes I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and sometimes I just felt like everything was going to be okay.  

I learned through this journey how important a hug is for people.  And although I am not a "huggie" person, that I need to "embrace the hug".  I have had to pray about it, asking God to make me less "distant" or less "cold" and to let me not feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin.  Am I always okay now that I have prayed about it? No!  But it has helped!!!   The hug really does show people you care & even if you don't hug  it is important to make sure that others really do know how you feel about them, that you do  care/love them.  

1 John 4:7 (NIV)Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Although, Grandma always told us she loved us and we knew it; going through her place, I really saw some of the extent of her love for us. She saved each card and drawing from my brother and I growing up,  as well as from our five kids.  She saved the cards from our my parents and others close to her that she loved as well.  I was able to keep her journals; skimming through them,  I realized I forgot the date I bought my first car but she had that marked down: October 11, 1999.  The date that my brother got his first big job title as a network admin (June 24, 1999) was marked in one of the journals, as well as  other special dates that at the time might not have been that significant to us but they were significant enough to her to mark them down.  

Over these last few weeks I heard the most meaning full "I love you" and "I love my family" I have ever heard.  I am so blessed to have heard them from her and was able to tell her how much we loved her too.  That is a gift I will never let go of! 

As we go on each day,  lets remember that we don't know what our next moment has for us or when will we take our last breath.  Let's make the best of the time here on this earth.  We, well I, need to remember to live like I know that I am loved,  showing it through hugs, small acts of kindness, making sure that I don't go to bed angry at someone,  and to remember to tell others how much I care and make sure to say those words "I Love You".  

Revelation 21:4 ESV He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Gives me comfort, knowing that some day I will see them again...

I envision you all walking the streets of gold....Until we see you again and we can walk those streets together!  

I Will Run & Not Grow Weary

Isaiah 40:31 NIV but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

When I was sick last year, an anonymous person(s) sent me a stack cards (approximately the size of business cards) with scripture verses to help me though my journey.  These all these verses incorporated my name in them  (Ex.  Though the mountains vanish, My unending love will never leave you, Jackie. Isaiah 54:10 or I will cause all things to ultimately work for your good, Jackie. Romans 8:28).   Daily, I would go through the stack; sometimes a bunch of the verses  would move me and other times just one verse would stick with me that day.  These cards were and still are such a blessing to me. So THANK YOU who ever sent them!

The verse Isaiah 40:31, is one of my favorites & was one of those verses in the stack.  When I had or am having a hard time, this verse tends to pop into my head.   

When I think of eagles, I see a large beautiful bird, a bird that should have a hard time flying, but eagles soar or glide through the sky so high making it look so effortless.  So the analogy of soaring on wings like eagles brings such hope to me. 

Some Difficult times...

Honestly, the last few weeks have been difficult and well discouraging.  I have still been struggling with constant migraines.  After this second round of the thirty-one Botox injections, I was positive I was going to have a successful outcome.  Unfortunately, yet again, they haven't seemed to have made much of a difference.  These migraines drive me "mad" at times; I just want to rip my head off my neck.  The nausea, brain fog, dizziness, as well as the pounding (are just few of my symptoms) can be trying and well exhausting.  Even just "sucking-up" the pain or the other symptoms, can be just as exhausting as the migraines themselves.  Sometimes I feel that not only am I suffering but I feel as though my family and those around me are as well.

Then I have been watching a woman, my grandmother, who was in decent health a few months ago, suddenly get sick, end up in the hospital, and then be transferred to a nursing home. It was almost a year to the date of my cancer diagnosis when she ended up being diagnosed herself; unfortunately at this point there is nothing that can be done for her, other than making her comfortable. Over these last two months, she looks as though she has aged 30 years. Watching her lay helpless only able to barely talk & communicate, breaks my heart; especially knowing that it is just a matter of time  before  her life here on earth will be over.

(I found this tank and it is so
 "fitting" at times.
It is perfect for those moments
 that I needed a reminder
 not to give up...
It's one of my favorite tanks &
 I have had a few people stop
 me to tell me they love the verse!)

On top of all this, I am adding more and more to my prayer list for injuries or sickness, a well as hearing more and more people around me  being diagnosed with the dreaded "C" word.   It seems like my prayer list is growing rather than shrinking.  My heart is just aching for each of these men and women!  I just wish I could fix it!      

And then there is everything else that life entails...

As I feel myself "growing weary", and questioning God...  I am reminded by the verse to focus my eyes on the Lord; He is our strength!

I love the analogy about running and not growing weary. By now, you obviously know I enjoy running.  If you run, you may have had that feeling at the beginning or middle of your run that you can't run any further; then "BAM," all the sudden a boost of energy hits you & you have the feeling you can conquer anything!  So basically when I am weary God helps give me the strength to keep going!

I'm NOT Going to Grow Weary or Faint


As I have stated before, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues. So about a year ago I started writing inspirational quotes as well as verses on a dry-erase board, a chalkboard, as well as the mirrors in my master-bathroom to help remind me of what was really important. Sometimes these quotes I write deal with self-esteem, they remind me to be a better mom or wife, or they just maybe a verse or inspirational saying that hits me that day...  

Well the other week I walked into my bathroom and saw that our youngest daughter had drawn a cross on my mirror as well as stick figures  (five of them representing our family) with hearts that said "I love my family".    Then this past Monday, I walked in and saw her drawing again; at least I thought she was drawing until I saw this!

She asked me for some help with the spelling and the verse references. But WOW!!!  Melt My Heart!
  

It is awesome how God works.  He used my youngest daughter at the perfect time.  I needed these two reminders!  These two verses I had been really drilling myself with and I know she saw my notes around the house and my tank with the one verse on it, but little did she know I needed to see them again and really needed to focus on them.  (That's thing I like about using the dry-erase markers on the mirror; while getting ready, when you look into the mirror you have to focus & look past the writing. Numerous times I end up reading it before I can focus on the subject behind the writing). 

So when I just want to say forget it, I am tired of seeing these specialists, I might as well just suck-up the pain because nothing is going to change; I have to remind myself "I will run and not grow weary" and " I am going to run with endurance the race that is before me." I am not going to give up on these headaches, I know that God is the ultimate healer.  Now, is just not my time for whatever reason!?!?  I just need to remain patient, pray, and keep doing my part in trying to find answers.

And as I keep going to see my grandmother, I am going try to take-in these last moments with her. As I have flashbacks of her in her younger healthier years which makes me both happy and sad at the same time, I have to remember at least God has blessed me with having a great family...And he has blessed me these last few weeks with hearing her continually say the heartfelt "I love you" or "You know I love my family" (if you know my grandmother, you know she really didn't say those words freely; although though I knew she did). I at least know that when her time comes to leave this earthly home, someday we will see her again; but watching someone go through this isn't easy.

I feel like the more I pray for a world free of cancer, the more people  around me are affected by it.  But again, I am reminded not to grow weary & to continue to pray, to continue "to run with endurance this race before us",  to remind others to take care of themselves & stress the importance for routine check-ups,  to bring awareness to others because their life is important, and to remind those going through the hard times that sometimes it may not seem like there is going to be an end to the trials,  but to put  trust in God and he will help them through it all.  



I am going to put my trust in God... 

(The song above is one of my favorites. It is on my inspirtational playlist.  Below are the lyrics.) 

My Revival

Lauren Daigle

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk, I will not faint

I will soar on wings like eagles

Find my rest in Your everlasting name

You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk, I will not faint

I will soar on wings like eagles

Find my rest in Your everlasting name

You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You…

Going Afraid

So this weekend I attended a wonderful, well amazing women's  conference called the "Belong Tour" (what was formally Women of Faith).  I was able to spend it with a bunch of amazing women from Friday through Saturday night.  My friend Karen introduced me to two lovely ladies that I am so blessed to have met and know that they are also my "Sisters in Christ" and well the fact that our outstanding personalities all meshed really well together was awesome too.  

Over the course of the conference were what our team organizer called  "nuggets" that I or we would tend to pick up from the conference.  These "nuggets" per say were the GOLD or the DIAMONDS as I like to think of  that spark my interest, that pull me in, or make me say WHOOOO...

One of the nuggets that I really pulled from the conference that I remember the four of us ladies were talking about was the one phrase that a speaker said... it basically was to "GO AFRAID".  WOW! I felt her speaking RIGHT TO ME!!!! This was crazy to me... Because the whole week before I had this struggle... which I will explain later...

So basically she wasn't saying you need to be afraid the whole time when you go out to do something.  What I took from it was, she was saying if God leads you to do something and you are scared to take that step, DO IT  ANYWAY!  If God wants us to do this he will help us through it.   If we are scared of the pain it may cause or make you feel, of rejection, of being ridiculed whatever and do nothing & we just sit in our homes how are we going to honor Christ? How are we going to make ourselves stronger? 

She basically said that if we stop being scared of pain we will find our purpose. How crazy is that!?!? So if we stop being scared of pain,  heartache, and rejection and then take that leap of faith & just do it, God will show us our purpose; wow.. 

So anyway, here I go again!!! This whole blog thing was a step of faith for me... Hence the name of the blog! TOTALLY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.  I am not comfortable talking about me!   I felt pulled to do this a year ago and like I said before kept putting it off, thinking  that this crazy idea would go away.

One day I was talking about it to a wonderful woman, Elaine;  I just love her.  I was telling her how I would love to help others and was thinking about writing blog. As we talked, I told her I was struggling because I don't particularly like talking about me and obviously writing a blog I would have to & that is pretty uncomfortable; then the fact was I just didn't really know where to begin.  I also was throwing around the idea about maybe writing an article for the newspaper on ovarian cancer awareness as well as just thanking the community.  She loved all these ideas.  

The next thing she says to me was, "Jackie, I really think you should speak at the Relay for Life. You would be great." "I didn't realize she had any say in who speaks at the Relay, Oh, my... now what have I gotten myself into?"  These were some of the thoughts going through my mind as well as "How am I going to get myself out of this mess,  I am totally not worthy to speak to all these people, there are so many other people that would be better than me, I am not a public speaker...."  So I politely declined.  She looked at me and put her hands on my hands and said something like, "Please don't say no yet, think about it and pray about it, and give me an answer in a couple weeks."

After she left I walked back to my computer and checked my e-mail.  There was one from our pastor, I started reading it, and stopped.  Oh, my! I think this was me being hit in the head with a brick by God!  In it our pastor was asking me to speak in front of our entire church body at a brunch giving my testimony on how God has worked in our lives especially over the difficult times. Guess what time it was sent to me????   Yup, you probably guessed it... The same time I was being asked to speak at the relay. 

Did I call and say yes to both?  No,  I talked to Jason about it.  I prayed about it.  I ran at the park and for days stewed over it.  Then the song "I am not Alone" kept playing and the words "you will go before me" kept playing and I kept feeling this burden that I needed to do this! At the park I said, "OK GOD! I will e-mail our pastor and tell him I will do it, and if it goes well then I will say yes to the relay."  (Basically making a deal with God...)  After I agreed to speak, I felt this burden lifted from my shoulders;it was so crazy!

Well I was SCARED!  I was so nervous that Sunday and EVERYONE was there. (You have to understand  our church is probably one of the larger ones in the county and we have two services and both services were at this brunch meaning hundreds of people) I prayed that I wouldn't fall! (Because if you know me I am a huge klutz!)  After I didn't fall,  I trembled as I introduced myself to everyone.. "Hello my name is Jackie and I am 30 years old until I tell you otherwise", God allowed me to use my dry sense of humor to get everyone laughing (I am obviously not 30) and calm me down.  Once that happened I don't remember anything else; It wasn't me talking, God was speaking through me!  Everything just flowed out of my mouth.  

Remember that deal I basically made with God?  I shouldn't have made a deal with God.   I picture him laughing at me because he knew that I was going to be speaking at that Relay!  He knows that ultimately in my heart I want to help others & make a difference even if it is just one person.  I spoke at the Relay for Life; it was a wonderful experience, the set up was beautiful, the community support amazing, the love and just I can't even explain what I felt that night it was an experience I will never forget.  

I was so scared before that speech!  But my biggest prayer was that I could reach one person that needed to see a doctor; it didn't have to be about ovarian cancer, it could be for depression, heart issues, diabetes, or whatever.  I was not expecting to hear from anyone but God answered that prayer and he even showed me that he answered it!  I had a woman message me that night saying she had the symptoms I spoke of and she was calling her doctor, then another woman contacted me, and I had someone say, "I haven't been to my gynecologist in years I am calling because of you this week."  Tears started flowing after each person contacted me and thinking about it they still flow!

So I have been taking those steps of faith and stepping WAYYYYY out of my comfort zone.  I was afraid to do something... and kinda like those old Nike commercials the line "JUST DO IT", I felt and still feel  God was and is telling me "Jackie, Just Do It! Trust me!".    Granted I did it, and I was trusting God and I am amazed at the outcomes so far.    

September 6th, I had a phone call from my oncologists office.  It was the day before my appointment.  I was thinking, "they must be calling to reschedule".  The girl on the phone said to me something like, "I have a strange request, someone here at Pinnacle saw your blog and knew you were a patient here and wanted to see if you would be interested in doing an interview; I can't release any info without your permission, would you be interested?  If you want I can have them call you and they can fill you in and then you can make the decision."  I was on put the spot, and trying to think of what to even say.  I knew that I had come this far, so might as well find out what it is about, so I said "OK!".... 

Within Two minutes I had a phone call.  I was told about this video interview.  I was totally nervous!  I was thinking, "I am not sure that it was my thing!"  Another example of something WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!   As I was being told about the interview I was also  told that if I was going to do it they were conducting the interview tomorrow morning.   This was to spread awareness for Ovarian Cancer and they wanted to do it right away since it is September and Ovarian Cancer Awareness month as well as show off some of Pinnacle Health's services.  "AHHHHH  Tomorrow MORNING!!!!  Oh my!!!! OK God what do you want me to do????"  All these thoughts going through my head.  Then the thought went through my head.  "You have come this far, it isn't about you, it is about those you can possibly help."  That is when I said yes.  https://youtu.be/YlR1klFY4LU

So as the speakers this weekend talked about; sometimes we can't just take the "easy button" in life, sometimes we have to run in scared! 

This morning we went to church our pastor summed up the weekend's conference perfectly with his message; I love when this happens.

Basically don't let the fear control you. Let God take control of your fear so he can allow him to lead and direct your life.  

https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k

My friends Heidi and Karen both said to me  (I never thought of it until they brought it up) something like, "God had a reason for you to create and post your first blog post around the anniversary of  you surgery.  September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month and he showed it to a person who was moved by your story enough that they wanted to interview you and share your story."  

All I can say is---- WOW!

I don't know what God has in-store for me next, but I know I have to remain open-minded and ready to receive.


What About you?  What are you going to do,  Take the "easy button" or trust God and go for it, even if afraid?